We try and protect our children from some things before we feel they are ready. For instance we choose what programmes they watch on TV because we don’t want to expose them to violence or we limit the sites they visit on the laptop by allowing them only to visit the ones we have listed in our favourites (we don’t want them to type in something that could bring up something their young eyes should not see) But it is not possible to shield them from everything. For instance language used by others and swear words. What do you do when your child says ‘@@@@’ or ‘******’
One thing we can do is explain to them that as a family we do not use swear words and that there are other words that are more descriptive to describe a thought or feeling. Instead of ‘@@@@’ they could use ‘flip’ ‘whotsits’ or make up a word.
We can make sure we don’t use them. When a child sees an adult handling frustration and anger with swear words they can do the same when caught in a similar situation. So we need to keep the air clean.
Explain that if other friends want to use language like this let them but they don’t have to to fit in.
As a parent what else could you do or have you done?
As usual, good reminders. Teachers tell children at school, “We do not use those words here.” As you stated, at home it works, as well, if the parents model using other words and actions when angry or frustrated.
Yes unfortunately we cannot control what they hear outside of the home but we can teach them what is right and what is wrong. Thank you Leah.
I recommend telling your child that YOU (as in the parent) don’t use those words and why you choose to pick other words. Then ask them to respect YOU (as in you the parent) and while in your presence, to find a better way to say something. Telling your kids that “we” don’t talk like that isn’t honoring them as individuals with reasons and motives for all that they do. Yes, it’s embarrassing when they blurt out something however remembering that it is a reflection of the learning curve and the testing trial/error process that helps sooth your blush.
I recommend telling your child that YOU (as in the parent) don’t use those words and why you choose to pick other words. Then ask them to respect YOU (as in you the parent) and while in your presence, to find a better way to say something. Telling your kids that “we” don’t talk like that isn’t honoring them as individuals with reasons and motives for all that they do. Yes, it’s embarrassing when they blurt out something however remembering that it is a reflection of the learning curve and the testing trial/error process that helps sooth your blush.
Lorraine thank you for your comment. I told my children that there are about 10 swear words and that just because others use them we don’t. By saying ‘in this family we don’t use those words’ you are sharing your values and I feel they are less inclined to swear. I think by starting young you have a better chance.
My children’s father (my ex husband) is from a big Irish family where swearing is part of day to day life. I really struggle to position swearing as ‘unacceptable in our family’, when their Dad is swearing a lot. Any top tips would be very well received please..My son gets upset when Dad swears, but has been told off at school recently for doing so himself
That is hard Aly. I would ask your son, if he feels confident enough, to ask his dad to stop swearing – tell him how it makes him feel. Hopefully dad would make a concerted effort to tone it down.
He’s tried talking to his Dad; they’ve tried swear boxes, and I’ve had a conversation or two myself. Sadly we have to accept that his Dad’s swearing won’t stop.
I need to find a line to take with my kids to explain why it’s still not OK for them..
That’s where I get stuck.
Aly, I have a similar situation though not as complicated since my boys’ father and I are married. The divorce complicates things a lot. Perhaps you can use the whole thing as an example of poor communication. Ask your kids questions about how it makes them feel when he swears and whether or not they (your kids) would feel proud if other people were to feel a similar way towards them. Not knowing the ages of your kids it’s tough to offer more than this — and this advice may not be good for you. It’s helped me and my boys without bashing their dad.
Hope it helps a tad.
Aly, I have a similar situation though not as complicated since my boys’ father and I are married. The divorce complicates things a lot. Perhaps you can use the whole thing as an example of poor communication. Ask your kids questions about how it makes them feel when he swears and whether or not they (your kids) would feel proud if other people were to feel a similar way towards them. Not knowing the ages of your kids it’s tough to offer more than this — and this advice may not be good for you. It’s helped me and my boys without bashing their dad.
Hope it helps a tad.
Aly that is such a shame but when something is ingrained it is that much harder to change behaviour but I am sure it can be done in time. Do your children like the sound of the swearing. Do they think it is necessary? If not why would they want to do it?
Lorraine – good advice. Thank you.
Thanks Lorraine. It is good advice. I’ve thought of the swearing as ‘a behaviour’ rather than a ‘poor communication style’ before and that’s made it hard to discuss without apparent dad-bashing.
Finding a better way to communicate is a more positive spin. The kids are 9 & 12, so very able to understand that.
Thanks!
Aly, it’s my great pleasure. Perhaps you’ll update us with the results of your experiment? I sure hope so.
Aly, it’s my great pleasure. Perhaps you’ll update us with the results of your experiment? I sure hope so.