Rewards Vs Bribery
At lunch a few weeks ago I was sitting with some friends and we were talking about mealtimes with our children. One of my friends has a child who does not eat well and I asked her if this had changed and he had become a better eater. She said, ‘yes’, her son was now eating meals due to her bribing him. She looked at me a bit embarrassed so I said, ‘You know that may not be bribing, it may be rewarding’.
What’s the difference you say? Well bribery is paying BEFORE behaviour is delivered and rewarding is paying AFTER behaviour is delivered.
As she was giving him the football stickers after he had finished his meal, it was a reward.
Rewarding kids is a great way to teach them to be prepared to work for what they want whilst we get the behaviour we desire. If you are just about to bribe your children to do something, really think about if it is a bribe and if it is turn it around so it becomes a reward.
20 Comments for this entry
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Hi Naomi,
Good distinction! I confess to having used both methods on my daughters at times, but both are now pretty healthy eaters by choice and can tell me more about what I am eating than I care to know. They are 16 and 8…
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Naomi Richards
April 12th, 2011 on 6:13 amI think it can be difficult to mix the two concepts up. Our mond can think we are constantly bribing where in fact we are… Thank you Paul for the comment.
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I don’t like to give either rewards or bribes. I don’t really want ‘stuff’ associated with doing the right thing. Verbal praise and internal glow as sense of peace I think is enough. Kids aren’t dogs.
That said I did once offer my son a toy if he swam the length of a pool because I was totally fed up of paying for extra lessons. He did it straight off so I definately believe they work!!!
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Naomi Richards
April 12th, 2011 on 10:45 amI prefer to reward but I do know that others find a good old bribe successful. Thank you Becky.
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Interesting the distinction and I hadn’t thought of it like that. I do use rewards with my children with things they don’t want to do because that’s how life works; we work, we get paid. However, I don’t do it often and never let it get to the point where they expect to get something for doing certain tasks, I think that can be dangerous.
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Great post Naomi! I need to really think more about offering rewards in certain situations. I don’t do it at all right now.
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And if you so reward it should not be done all the time. Constant reward sets them up to negotiate doing something ONLY when you give them something. Everything in moderation.
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Naomi Richards
April 12th, 2011 on 1:09 pmKate thank you all for your comments. As parents I dont think we make the distinction – I had never thought about it until I had this conversation with my friends. You are so right about rewards – too many and our children expect them – slippery slope!
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Naomi Richards
April 12th, 2011 on 1:35 pmChris, how oh how do you get by on no rewards – is it all bribes!!!!! lucky man. Thank you for your input.
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Naomi Richards
April 12th, 2011 on 1:37 pmThank you for your comment TheTeenDoc. I garere everything in monderation but I also believe rewards are great to hand out when a child least expects it. They are my favourite and my kids favourite rewards.
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Sadly, ever since we began our move to Singapore, it’s been all about bribery. I have bribed my 3 year old with everything from “you will get a biscuit if you come and see yet another apartment with us”, or “an ice lolly if you sit quietly in yet another taxi”.
I also use reward charts, which she responds to well. Instead of punishing bad behavior, we reward good behaviour (although we do use Time Out too).
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This is brilliant! In one fell swoop you’ve defined the difference for me. You are right – it’s all about whether you give it before or after the event.
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Naomi Richards
April 13th, 2011 on 2:27 pmWow so lots of both then. I am sure there is less bribery now you are settled and more rewards. Its great she responds to reward charts – mine were not interested. Thank you for your comment.
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Naomi Richards
April 13th, 2011 on 2:28 pmAsh, thats what I intended to do. I don’t think many people know the difference and there is a big one. Thanks for your thoughts.
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Hmmm….in my house it’s more like a negotiation…you do A-B-C and you will be able to do A…Notice, parent gets ABC…kid only gets A…and usually it is normal consequences. If you do your homework immediately after dinner and 20 minutes of studying…you will have time to watch TV….If you do not…
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Naomi Richards
April 13th, 2011 on 4:09 pmI like that Lori – thank you for sharing your experience. I find myself sharing what is going to happen with them when they do something to encourage and motivate.
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That reminds me of some of my school friends who were given a sum of money for every grade they got at GCSE or A Level. I remember being a disgusted at the time because I thought we were old enough for the good grades to be their own reward and that we shouldn’t be treated like kids!
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Naomi Richards
April 15th, 2011 on 5:25 pmYes lots of my friends did that too £10 per A. I got taken out for a meal I think and actually going out for a pizza was a great reward.
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This is a great post – and I love the distinction as well. We always “reward” in our house, and it seems to work really effectively. Cheers for the clarification.
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Naomi Richards
February 5th, 2012 on 8:01 amThank you Helen for your comment. Rewarding sounds and feels so much better when it comes off your tongue.
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