Positive Language – Use Can Not Can’t
Have you ever listened to yourself when you are talking to your children? Do you ever think why did I say that? I do it all the time. I request something from my children and then think of other ways I could have motivated or encouraged them. I am so conscious of the words I choose because I want them to be responsive to me the first time I ask them to do something. I want to use positive language.
I don’t like negative words and those words that end in a ‘t. For instance, why use don’t instead of do, why not use can’t instead of can. To me there is a massive difference.
I was thinking the other day about rules and how we convey the rules of the house to our children so they are more willing to follow them. If you had your rules written up on a board in your house would they all start with, ‘do?’ or ‘can?’
For example, you can play on the Playstation between 6 and 7pm rather than you ‘can’t’ play with the Playstation at any other time, or you can eat food in the kitchen rather than you ’can’t’ eat in the rest of the house.
Have a think about your language and your rules. What are your children hearing most from you? And are your rules conveying a positive message?
12 Comments for this entry
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You’re right it makes such a difference to phrase things positively. As soon as you say don’t think about bananas the first thing you think about are bananas. It’s hard to get into the habit of wording things the other way around… At the moment my party line is that ‘we speak politely and kindly’ instead of ‘don’t speak to your sister like that!!’
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Naomi
May 10th, 2011 on 5:33 amA good example Fiona. Yes it is all about habit and practise but I think it is worth it and think that hearing the negative words regularly are no good to a child’s self-esteem and confidence. Thank you for your comment.
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I’ve been using no, don’t, won’t and can’t much to often… I’ll be making a huge effort with the positive language!
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Naomi
May 10th, 2011 on 6:07 amGood to hear Wendy. I tihnk once you get in the swing of saying more positive words and actually be aware of when you use no, don’t etc, you will be using do, can, will. Good luck and thank you fro the comment.
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I love this post!! I am guilty of this, I especially love the idea about the rules…using DO instead of DON’T!!
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Naomi
May 10th, 2011 on 6:34 pmYes and put them somewhere where the children can remind themselves of them. Ity is so easy to be negative and hard to be positive but positive gets beeter results! Thank you for your comment Chris.
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this is a great blog and as trainer it is something i have learnt to do over the years which is now paying off with my 3 year old “well most off the time” but positive coaching works for sure…
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Naomi Richards
May 11th, 2011 on 6:51 pmGlad to hear it is working most of the time. Love positivity – it gets results. Thank you for your comment Justin and glad you like the blog.
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I like to look at it as: request, don’t complain.
If there is something you want changed, make it a request: It would be helpful for me if in the future you would empty the garbage when it is full.
As opposed to complaining: Why did you overstuff the garbage? Why can’t you ever take it out?
Plain and simple: request instead of complain
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Naomi Richards
May 17th, 2011 on 6:42 amIt sounds like a nag too doesn’t it. I always think a word with a ‘t on the end is a negative one and discouraging one. Being a positive person I like to use positive words. Susie, love the thought of request not complain. Thank you.
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Great post Naomi. Like you I prefer to phrase things positively. It sends a clearer message too. If you say “don’t run” for example, the brain picks up on “run” first, then has to work at translating it into a negative. When you say “Walk” or “Stop” the message comes through loud and clear. And that’s the same reason why I encourage my clients to use positive language to frame what they do want rather than what they don’t.
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Naomi
May 18th, 2011 on 8:20 pmI am all for clear messages. I think it is important to have clarity and make a child feel good about what they are able to do and achieve. It’s all part of building up a healthy self-esteem. Thank you Grace for your comment.
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