As a life coach working with children, it’s not uncommon for children to say, “I’ve got lots of friends”. I get the same reply when I ask if they have friends both inside and outside of school. When I ask them what their friends names are they reel off a list of names; and that list can be very long.
But some of these children may just be classmates they sit next to or talk to at school. They perceive that these children are their friends yet they are sitting alone at lunch or spending break times reading or inside on their own. They are not being dishonest when I ask them this question, it’s just that they genuinely believe they do have friends.
For confident, chatty children with no obvious social difficulties, they may not realise that they’re lonely as they don’t struggle with communication and feel that they are surrounded with people at school, regardless of their interaction. They just may not have made the leap from chit chat (friendly people) to real connection (friends) and more in-depth conversation with their peers.
So, how can parents help their child to connect and build relationships with real friends, and recognise the difference between a genuine friendship and an acquaintance?
Acquaintance or Genuine Friendship?
Start by being gently curious and ask your child open questions like, ‘Who do you sit with at lunch?’ or ‘Who do you usually play with at break?’. This gives children space to reflect on who they are spending their time with, if anyone.
Next explore with them what friendship feels like — not just what it looks like:
- Do other children ask them to join in with them?
- Do they feel included in the classroom and also at breaktimes?
- Do they feel missed when they’re not at school?
Encouraging your child to think about these things can help them better understand what’s going on at school with their peer group.
Reassure them that If they feel a bit left out, that’s not a failure, it’s just a sign that something needs to change. With a little support from you, they can take small steps to build stronger connections. Perhaps they can do an after school club where there is lots of chatting and fun to be had or they join in with other children more when they are playing or put into practice how to start a conversation at the right moment.
With children feeling so self-conscious and not being so confident, parents and carers need to show them that anything is possible and the importance of taking small steps so they feel more secure amongst their peers with the option of having playdates/a social life in the future.
Get Help Dealing with Friendships
I work a lot with children on friendships and I find this is common around children at primary school. If you feel your child could use some help with their friendship skills please get in contact with me to book a coaching session.
Alternatively please take a look at my book for parents, Being Me (And Loving It).
You can also get instant access to my ebook, Helping Children Have Successful Friendships
